Sex On Tuesday: It's All Good, In Movies

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Lights, camera, action! In a frenzy of frantic movements and hastily discarded clothing, a pair of lovers embrace in a human Rubik's Cube of Bally's Total Fitness-toned bodies and Neutrogena-clear skin. Backs scratched, cheeks flushed and perfectly sated with synchronous satisfaction, they depart from the airline bathroom, hot tub or pool table, casually smoothing down their stylishly messy, post-coital 'dos. Hey man, I saw it in a movie once.

Like so many other products of mass-media appeal, movie sex scenarios aren't always what they seem. Sex sells, and the more outrageous the situation, the better. But how feasible are these situations when applied to the not-so-flexible world of normal human beings? Not very, unfortunately. Those fantastic movie scenarios, as appealing as they seem on the silver screen, may not tickle your fancy after a little reality check.

First scenario: sex on the beach.

It's that classic scene from "An Affair to Remember": the couple lip-locked in the sand with waves crashing down on them, sunset and sea gulls ... reality check!

As romantic as this beachfront property sounds, I'd like to remind the general public of a little thing I like to call sand. Sand has a mysterious way of getting into absolutely everything at the beach. Complicate things more by rolling around naked in the surf, and you'll be digging particles out of places even you didn't know you had.

Sex outside seems new and exciting, but the forces of nature need to be taken into account. An impromptu romp on the beach may turn out cold, wet and gritty without the proper planning. Spontaneity is a very sexy concept, but planning your supplies ahead is just as important.

Second scenario: the whipped-cream bikini.

Ah yes, the only scene that made "Varsity Blues" worth watching. An oversexed cheerleader vixen bent on seducing the resistant captain of the high school football team gives it her best shot by fashioning her own outfit, using a certain fluffy ice cream topping.

Now, there's creativity with food, and then there's food poisoning. A full bikini's worth of whipped cream would be too much for most people to eat without getting ill (Would you like a cheerleader with your whipped cream?).

Again, assuming you and your partner would be using food as a part of foreplay (the main course comes later), you really don't want to have a lot of sugar lingering down there during sex. A yeast infection is not the sort of token of affection you want to take home with you.

Third scenario: "Excuse me, I've come to fix your sink."

Pornography. I won't go into scenarios here, as porn flicks aren't exactly known for their intriguing plot lines. It's all pretty far-fetched, which goes for the sex itself too.

Porn flicks are designed primarily for voyeuristic pleasure, so just because something looks good doesn't mean it's going to feel good for those actually involved. Most techniques and sexual positions are designed to provide maximum exposure for your viewing pleasure. What sensation is sacrificed for camera angles is compensated for by "acting." As one of my co-workers was quick to point out, "I don't care what you're doing right; nobody moans that loudly unless you're accidentally stepping on their foot."

The sex may be real in porn flicks, but it is still far from authentic. The result? If you want to watch porn, that's your business, but I wouldn't be taking notes down for technique tips.

Those stereotypical movie sex scenes can be great fun to watch, and sure, you may pick up a few ideas here and there, but take them with a grain of salt. Movies are for entertainment, not instruction-you're not going to try to fly after watching "Superman."

Sex is a personal act full of personal decisions and preferences-no Hollywood director is going to show you how to do it right.


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