Champagne and Grapes

Tell Rachael what edibles add fuel to your fire at [email protected].





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What are you thinking about right now? Yeah, I was thinking about food, too. So, let's talk food instead of sex. Still stuck on sex? Contrary to what you would think, an advanced sex-ed class-covered in national media last week-didn't help the whole campus get laid. UC Berkeley's still not that exciting.

But even if you manage to remain thinking about food, you know you're actually thinking about sex. Or you're close to it. Both are physically satisfying, especially when our bodies have sent us signals like hunger pains or sudden hardness or wetness-yes, you know what I'm talking about. Both can taste sweet, salty and bitter.

People who love food tend to love sex, and doctors say this, so don't give me credit for that insight. It must be an indulgence thing-that whole "sin" phenomenon. Some of us postpone food if we think sex is in the cards. It's more animalistic when you're hungry.

You're in lecture, watching the person in front of you finish their salty bag of Lay's. Can this person be any more obvious? I mean they might as well just come out and scream it: "THINK SEX."

Listen though: The relationships between sex and food are based on anecdotal evidence-which means some people swear by certain things while others roll their eyes, but there are no reliable studies. So, anything I say here is contestable.

Zinc is essential to testosterone production, a key ingredient in libido. Oysters have zinc. Maybe it's simply the two requisite glasses of wine (which is a powerful aphrodisiac in itself) you take with the oysters. Either way, they are marked as sex-inducers. They don't fill you up and studies have indicated that a full feeling can decrease sexual desire-as can high-fat meals. Save those for when you're not getting any.

A worry, rarely voiced: what you taste like. Your lucky-ass is getting Olympic-quality head, and you just sit there worrying, "Oh, gee, I hope I taste okay." Fine. No one tastes like chocolate. That's not to say your partner doesn't totally enjoy it or can't deal with it or whatever. It's just not really something to obsess over. But if you're still worrying, some popular techniques are ...

Pineapple juice. So many people have sworn by it for sweetening secretions that I am itching to make it a truth. I can't confirm it though. It's your call.

Parsley, bananas, papayas, parsley again, lots of water and dilution-the dilution should be obvious. It probably isn't.

Avoid garlic, onions and cabbage. That's too bad, because onions qualify as aphrodisiacs, too-but I'd assume you'd avoid these things for breath reasons. Unfortunately, there are favorites that have been reported to negatively affect your taste: alcohol, coffee, red meat, saturated fats, soy sauce, cigarettes and spicy foods. Tragic. Boring. You might as well take your vow of celibacy.

You don't have to give these things up. There are other ways, ones where you get to play with your food-so much fun.

Pop an Altoid in your partner's mouth on their way down. If you have a vulva, pour some champagne on it and let them suck away. When they finish you can climb on top of your giving friend (don't get dressed) and feed grapes to them. Okay, so both colors are labeled as aphrodisiacs. I'd still go with those big green ones. Prettier. And juicier.

Ice cubes-they stretch as "food" but get over it. Again, water dilutes (refer above). Dilution weakens potency (flavor, not libido). Ice cubes work nicely when combined in your skilled Olympian's mouth with your penis, or as tongue coolants for the clitoris. They aren't bad either for hardening nipples or giving goosebumps when they're traced over the belly button, inner thighs, neck and everywhere else.

After you two, or five, have ravished each other, pour yourselves another glass of wine, smoke a cigarette, eat a steak and open a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos. You deserve it.

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