Cheap Drinking, Fun, Sex and Basketball

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I was sitting around thinking the other day - something one's prone to do when you've got 11 pounds of turkey sitting in your belly after some kind of big, traditional meal - wondering which month of the year was my all-time favorite.

I used to think I was cool, but then I realized I sit around deciding which is my favorite month of the year. Cool people are too cool to have a favorite month, see, because they're cool all 12 months of the year, so they don't want to limit their coolness to just the one month.

But back to the point, which was never really established in the first place, that point being favorite months. I should also point out that sports will play a significant role in the rankings, because they have to. So don't ask any more stupid questions.

Makes sense to start with January, right?

Trouble is, January is the ass of the months in terms of just about everything. It's long, it's boring, it only has one holiday, it starts with a hangover and ends with like a Tuesday.

January does have the Super Bowl, but for me that's just a good day to play golf, or go to a big amusement park, or rob a bank. I've robbed five banks so far. It's not that hard, but it is illegal so you should get a parent's permission before you attempt to rob a bank.

January also has some sellout college football bowl game, between two teams nobody can agree on deserving to be there. The game usually involves some Southeastern Conference team blowing out some other football team and selling lots of nachos.

February is much like its evil brother January, except February is its shorter cousin. While this does hurt the month's prospects of a professional basketball career, it does give it an advantage over January because there is less of it to endure.

The month is also kind of lost in the doldrums of the big sports seasons. It's right smack in the middle of the NHL, NBA and NCAA basketball conference seasons.

March kicks some serious ass. The month is a perennial powerhouse. If the month was a sports team, junior high kids all over the country would buy Starter caps with "March" on them. March is big, baby.

You've got, first and above all, the NCAA men's basketball tournament, which is three weeks of hoops heaven. Both the NBA and NHL playoff races are heating up, and so is the weather. Spring Break is on the horizon, and so is a week of cheap drinking, fun and sex.

April is a letdown after the heady rock-and-roll days of March. You come back to school, and start worrying about papers, finals and the fact that one of these days you'll have to work and not have three-day weekends all the time.

In sports things aren't looking much better. You do have the playoffs getting started in the NBA and the NHL, so that's a plus. But, there's no more basketball, which sucks. Plus baseball starts up. Day after day of foul-balls and between pitch delays are to follow for the next four months.

April still ain't all that bad. In Berkeley this is the month during which Cal wins one of its few national championships, that for rugby.

May marks the end of the Berkeley school year, which you all know, I'm sure. That's got to be good. Except there are those stupid finals, and they get in the way of the still going on NBA and NHL playoffs. It's a month of doing one thing and knowing you should be doing more of another - like having more hot sex.

June has to be considered one of the big months for sports enthusiasts. Both the NBA finals and the NHL finals roll around this time of year. There's no school, and if you're lazy, unmotivated or just plain inept, there's no work either. Lots of time to sit around, watch sports on television, and waste a totally useless life away in a couch-potato cocoon.

July is boring. Just like baseball.

August is equally dull, more so because summer ends, school starts, and there's still baseball.

September marks the kickoff - ha ha ha, oh, that's rich - of the college football season. This would normally be good news for sports fans, except in Berkeley, that means that the Cal football season is getting ready to start. Get out the tissues, because it's tough to be a Bears fan.

In baseball, the Yankees are starting to beat all the teams they'll face in the playoffs. Exciting stuff. Rooting for the Yankees is like rooting for gravity. And rooting for Fresno State is like rooting for a hick to score with his sister. Ugh!

October consists of the Yankees beating somebody in the World Series, NFL "football" and Cal losing to various Pac-10 schools. It's not that great either.

November is a welcome relief from the last four months of terror. College basketball starts, as do the NBA and NHL regular seasons.

Unfortunately for Cal football fans, November is a month usually devoid of Bears victories. There's the annual loss to Stanford, and then all the fun of coming up with things to tell yourself to make losing feel better. Things like "well, at least our tower is taller" or "at least our girls aren't as frigid as theirs."

December has Christmas and Santa Claus and I guess Hanukkah too. There's college bowl games aplenty and hockey and basketball too.

So now you've heard my story of woe. Of 12 months gone by and my desire to root for a winner doth grow. And the point of it, I do not know.

Oh, and I guess March is my favorite month.

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