Daily Cal Bruises Its Way to Ink Bowl Victory

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As Editor in Chief Daniel Hernandez staggered onto the field Saturday morning, his face caked with mud, sweat dripping from his body, he uttered a rallying cry sure to go down in Ink Bowl lore.

"Hey Stanford! Your mom just called," belched the far from diplomatic host. "She said YOU SUCK!"

And suck the Stanford Daily did - just slightly more than the Daily Cal.

In a game only a mother could love and only drunk people could bear to watch, a triumphant Daily Cal squad trounced a scrawny and insolent Stanford Daily, 16-14.

In front of a crowd of two, plus dogs, at Willard Park's Ho Chi Minh field, the Daily Cal players persevered despite the two kegs and beer bong present on its sideline.

With the win, the newspaper maintained its stranglehold on the coveted X-acto Knife, which will remain in Berkeley for the third straight year.

The game was decided by a controversial two-point conversion in which Jordan "I Was the MVP Last Year and Don't Get to be Quarterback?" Blumenfield-James may or may not have reached the end zone. Led by "One Beer Wonder" Hernandez, however, the Daily Cal claimed victory and left to go eat bacon, taking the Stanford Daily's kegs along.

But the game's biggest series of plays didn't make it on the scoreboard. The Daily Cal's defense clung to the two-point lead by its ragged, unkempt little claws late in the second half.

"We were a little disorganized at the beginning," said defensive coordinator Matt "My Ex-Girlfriend Played for the Stanford Daily" Odette. "There were some controversial calls by my roommate - I mean the official - that kept them in the game."

The secondary and the defense held the Daily scoreless in the final minutes of the game. Maxwell "Wow That Guy Never Sleeps" Yim had an interception down the stretch to help preserve the win.

The game began with the Daily Cal's much-touted "Chick Squad" on special teams. Christine "Black Eye" Lord managed not to drop the (thrown!) kickoff and returned the ball to give the Daily Cal field position to score on its opening drive.

Stanford came back on a quarterback bootleg on its next possession, eluding the defensive line, the secondary and a couple of drunk Daily Cal supporters. Being lame, they missed their first conversion, which in the end could have cost them the game.

"They had a pretty solid quarterback," Odette said. "They pretty much ran a one-man show. He made a few nice plays, but our depth just wore them down on the offensive side. Jason "Oh Shit!" Jones' ability to flatten whoever was trying to block him was pretty key to our pass rush."

Both teams scored touchdowns in the second half. At that point, a dog stole a cone and ran around with it for several minutes before it was recovered. The incident, however, limited Anne "Why Am I Bend Over?" Benjaminson, who stopped playing to clap her hands and watch the dog.

Though some could say violence and taunting marred the otherwise-friendly contest, the Daily Cal enjoyed watching Chris "I Didn't Know it Was a Chick" Rakunas pummel an unsuspecting Stanford Daily player who was probably not even playing.

"We signed up to play flag football and you guys showed up to play tackle," Stanford Daily Editor in Chief Dana "Our Players Should Be Here Soon" Mulhauser said.

The Daily Cal team found an unexpected savior in a girl who played for five minutes but made a key tackle.

"I really didn't know what I was doing," said Katy "Maneater" Klinedinst. "I just did what the boys told me."

The Daily Cal found leadership in Matt "Go Bears" Duffy, who didn't let his hangover prevent him from being a prick, as usual.

"He's an asshole," said Janny "Let's Take a Picture Together" Hu. "But oh yeah, the game. Who did we play again?"

Gavin "G-string" McMeeking, who had predicted he would be the game's star, managed one missed tackle and gave up a touchdown. He said he plans to transfer to Stanford immediately.

"I'm just glad the team could get a win," he said. "I'm looking forward to next season though. At Stanford I won't have to work hard any more and there are lots of rich chicks."


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