Daily Cal Hosts Inferior Daily in Ink Bowl

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The stakes may be smaller, the players weaker, and the time earlier, but this year's edition of the Ink Bowl is just as highly contested as its more widely-known cousin, the Big Game.

The staffs of the Daily Californian and the Stanford Daily will descend on Ho Chi Minh Field at Willard Park tomorrow morning looking for victory in what head coach and sports editor Matt "Little Pimp" Duffy calls "the ugliest display of football you will ever see."

Writers, editors, designers and advertising representatives will square off in the annual flag football contest with the Daily Cal attempting to win its third straight Ink Bowl.

Despite the pressure that comes with defending the Exacto Knife, defensive coordinator Matt "It's True, It's True" Odette says his defense is optimistic going into the game.

"The secondary has got talent out of this world" Odette said. "I'll be angry if we give up one touchdown - I'll be angry if we give up one completion."

Token girl and redshirt freshman Anne "Bend Over" Benjaminson also shares the enthusiasm, citing the Stanford Daily's editor as her "prime target."

"All I know is that she's a girl and her ass is getting tackled," she said.

Benjaminson was also quick to point out the Daily Cal's biggest weakness - excessive beer consumption at halftime - and cited actions taken in practice this week to address it.

"We consider that a legitimate hazard to our players so we've conducted many training sessions involving alcohol and recreational sports," Benjaminson said.

The defense and offense should both be strong for the Daily Cal. On offense, the team returns last year's MVP in quarterback/defensive lineman Jordan "I Don't Need To Practice" Blumenfeld-James. Blumenfeld-James will have to do without last year's go-to-receiver Trent "Smokey" Packer and instead must achieve a rhythm with a collection of young receivers, including Mark "The Rattlesnake" Mendoza.

The secondary will be anchored by Odette, who will play one of the two safety positions the Daily Cal will utilize in it's defensive package. Landon "What Happened To Him?" Baily will pick up the other starting safety spot with Justin "The Senator" Christensen, Duffy, and Ben "BigBalls" Miller taking turns at cornerback.

The Daily Cal's offensive and defensive lines will feature a rotation of players on both offense and defense. Having lost the big-time presence of Darrel "Trouble" Ng, a new group of big men will step up and take on the ass-kicking duties.

Gavin "Toast" McMeeking returns at the quasi-center position along with Blumenfeld-James. Chris "The Baltic Bruiser" Rakunas and Rob "He Played In High School" Katzer will be the foundation of what should be an imposing core of defensive linemen. Adding to the incredible size of a line already well over 850 pounds in weight will be the colossal Benjaminson, and big Ben "The Green Giant" Rojas.

The Stanford Daily is a mysterious squad that sucks and will lose. Kickoff is at 9:30 a.m. Saturday, though Duffy expects a low turnout from the student fanbase.

Daily Cal editor-in-chief Daniel "I've never touched a football" Hernandez will attend his first practice today, although he expects to be quickly demoted to honorary yell leader.

"Whether or not I play, we will kick ass," he says confidently. "So point towards the court and let's 'Play ball!'"


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