Pestilence

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We refer to rats as pests because they individually spread wonderful diseases like the bubonic plague and rabies, while destroying human property. Not to mention that they leave their shit everywhere. On the other end of the rodent spectrum, lemmings are cute little hamster-like creatures that no one really knows or cares about. At some point during the year, large herds of lemmings congregate at the nearest cliff, drink some Kool-Aid, and jump. Here's my question would you rather be a disease-carrying vermin, or a cute, suicidal ball of fur?

I would much rather be a rat than a lemming. I would much rather disrupt human existence than condone it through indifference. I would much rather piss you off and make you think than bite my lip and let status quo reign supreme. Society, or rather the few that run it, overestimate themselves and their "goals." Let's hope that everyone already knows we're killing the planet, but does anyone realize we are killing each other? Maybe no one cares I know the people "above" me don't.

In order to keep the cogs of society running, the powers that be must make sure we're all on schedule. And if you're not, you're a slacker, or a lazy-ass. Damn hooligans.

Well, I guess you can call me the consummate underachiever and I am proud of it. You can also call me lazy and tell me I am a slacker. People forget to mention how much fun I am having. There are plenty of people that aren't having fun. For too many, fun is only a brief escape from reality. Hobbies are saved for "free" time. This is utterly ridiculous. I run on my own schedule and it pisses people off. This doesn't mean I don't believe in courtesy or karma, it means I don't live my life according to others.

In fact, I know every way to not get something done. When I "have to" do something, I wait until the very last nanosecond. I try to find the proverbial fine line that I'm not supposed to cross. When I find it, I run all the way to the very edge so that my toes and most of my feet are hanging over the edge. Then I might stop. Do I claim to live life on the edge? Do I claim to be some sort of social revolutionary? Nope. It's just something to do.

Just call me a procrastinator. You can even call me lazy, but I get my shit done... eventually. I argue that procrastination and efficiency are very similar. Doing something at the last minute doesn't mean you weren't doing anything at all, it just means there were better things to do. Procrastination implies the existence and pressure of deadlines.

Deadlines are important to keep some sort of order, but don't tell me that an egotistical professor's deadlines and his ideas of "education" are more important than a student's sanity. Most professors aren't even here to teach and the university is definitely not here to educate. Both are here to perpetuate UC Berkeley's "reputation." Who are the pests now?

In researching and participating in the student regent process, I became very educated on the UC system. Many of us, the students, are their minions. Kiss my ass and no you don't! (I am not a minion of the university.) If my professors can put me on their waiting list, why can't I put my professors on my waiting list?

By the way, I see laziness as my brain's way of telling me to slow the hell down before I get sick and my body slows down for me. It's very similar to how a computer gets really slow when there are too many programs running, then it crashes. To take this analogy a tad bit farther, I won't let the system wear me down. And I won't let the system wear you down either.

From the best underachiever on campus, here are my favorite ways to "waste" time:

Relax. Play. Eat. Sleep. Be Lazy.

It's amazing how much time you can waste regressing back to your primal urges. If you can't think of at least a hundred other things to do before your next deadline, you're a lemming. Ask yourself, "Who am I doing this for?"

I suppose it wouldn't be right of me to give all these great procrastination techniques without actually giving real tips for school. Besides, someone might sue me because they (or their kids) read my column and decided to become an indifferent fool and drop out of whatever they're doing to eat pork rinds. The funny thing is, they would win the six gazillion dollar lawsuit, gain custody of my first-born child, and get to sue the pork-rind people for their heart attack. A loser at a blackjack table once told me, "It's always somebody else's fault." Ah, the beauty of the American legal system.

Anyway, back to the real tips for school:

Remember education is not about teaching, education is about learning. Don't wait for your education, go get it. But don't forget, it can be found far from the classroom.

Raise hell and have fun doing it.

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