Off the Beat: I'm As Confused As You Are

Give Gavin some pointers on his swing at [email protected]





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Monday morning I woke up earlier a than a coke farmer to play the worst round of golf in my life. Well not really the worst, but they all seem to feel like that after you've finished a bad round. Especially when it's a 97.

Tilden Park grabbed me by the balls and dragged me all over 18 holes of fogged-in terror. The only fun for the morning was driving the golf cart.

It didn't have a speed governor.

We thought about taking it back to Berkeley with us. It would have been great for getting around campus. But I've always wanted a horse for my main mode of transportation. It would be great. I could leave it hitched up outside of Dwinelle and then, after class, gallop to Tolman like a guy riding a fast horse to Tolman.

Except people would probably mess with my horse during class - like writing "I'm a stupid horse" on it and making it drink a lot of beer and stuff like that. Plus somebody would steal its shoes and you just don't steal a horses shoes. Friggin' A.

Oh yeah, sports. So instead of telling you about 18 holes of misery, I'll instead spin a yarn about 18 (or so) sporting tales affecting your world.

Because You deserve to know.

  • Indiana basketball coach Bobby Knight finally got the sack after his most recent imitation of a volcano. You could kind of guess it was coming.
  • There was the whole choking-a-player-caught-on-video episode a few months ago. And then the numerous occasions of the man berating his players. His temper is as short as the lines in the DC on "Fried Ass Night" and that temper was destined to be his demise.

    The straw that broke this camel's back? Some poor freshman was waiting in line to buy Indiana football tickets. Reportedly, the guy saw Knight walking by and said, "What's up, Knight?" to which the coach responded to in a less than lovey-dovey tending toward I'm-gonna-kick-your-ass manner. We don't need a joke here.

  • Cal women's goalkeeper Maite Zabala had to make a total of zero saves in the Bears' action over the weekend. That was two games, two shutouts and no work.
  • The Pac-10 is making up for a poor showing last year. The conference lost respect last season after Stanford, which lost to Texas 69-17 early in the year, won the Pac-10.
  • Stanford will play Texas again this Saturday. The Card is still going to get its ass kicked, but they won't win the Pac-10, seeing how the rest of the conference is beating up on the real football schools.

  • Women's volleyball continues to play volleyball in the RSF because Haas Pavilion is still getting the scoreboard installed. Funny that the athletic department waited until after the men's basketball team's season to start putting it up.
  • Somebody left Junior in charge of Memorial Stadium's scoreboard Saturday during the Utah game. I could tell you that the clock was stuck on 20 minutes for most of the third quarter, or that at one point it indicated that both teams had possession of the ball at the same time, but it is suffice to say that the scoreboard was carazay.
  • But don't worry, the scoreboard was functioning fine on Monday when I came back from Tilden. Cal's offense is back - the Bears had 323 yards of total offense and were ahead of their opponents, 14-2, in what was simultaneously the second and third quarters. The crowd consisted of the trash leftover from Saturday's game and the crew cleaning it up. I'm as confused as you are.

  • They need to bring back the quarts at the Bears Lair when it reopens.
  • I noticed something funny on the back of the football tickets. It's a little blurb about how students aren't allowed to bring in bottles, cans, fruit or other objects which "may be used as projectiles" into the stands.
  • At the game somebody proceeded to hand out large pieces of thick paper with "Go Bears" written on them. These were promptly turned into very big paper airplanes and used as projectiles.

    I'm looking forward to free Malatov Cocktail day.

  • Just a brief note to the people who are blocking the installation of lights at Memorial: FIVE NIGHTS A YEAR! Come on, people. Work with the networks. They need your help. Especially Dennis Miller. He really needs help. Almost as much as I do.
  • You know what, I'm going to do now what I should have done this morning - call it quits after nine.

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