We Suck

Ryan Sim wants to know if he sucks. Let him know at [email protected]





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I would like to bestow the role of spokesperson for the human race upon myself for the following 1,000 words. If I am not able to fulfill my responsibilities as spokesperson for all human beings, then Timber, my dog, my property, and the runner-up for this position, will take my place.

My first duty as the supreme representative for humans is to inform everyone that WE SUCK!

We are selfish and egocentric. We are ignorant and arrogant. Oh, and by the way, we are destroying this planet.

For some bizarre reason, we have the notion that this planet and all of its contents exist to serve us and only us. Though it is providing us with food to eat, a place to live and means to travel, we have absolutely no responsibility for its well-being or the well-being of other creatures on the planet.

Damn those mountain lions and bears for attacking us. Don't they know this is our planet? The next time a wild animal picks a fight with a human they should remember that they are on our property. They are eating our plants and breathing our air. It's not our fault that we are so far "advanced" that we have to tear up acres of land to make houses and paper for important things like news, columns and sports.

The great thing is, we are completely exempt from any and all accountability for two reasons. First, we are great inventors. Where would this society be without the automobile, the microchip and, of course, sliced bread? Secondly, if we don't see it, it doesn't happen. Trust me, I am not the only person that believes this nonsense.

I was watching television (another great invention based on necessity) the other day, and a commercial for water sealant came on. The opening line declared, "When rain attacks."

Good Lord! If rain didn't attack we would all be dead and there would be no more pretty golf courses, which are by far the best use of water and land (especially in the deserts of Southern California).

Moreover, the most efficient way to provide water for farms in the Central Valley and lawns in Southern California is to create a concrete riverbed that readily exposes a large surface area of water to the heat and sun. Gosh, we have such smart engineers. Everyone look out for "when the sun attacks" (cue scary music).

While we're on the topic of water, please let me provide a small macro-perspective. We are going to run out of clean water, you idiots. We are quickly depleting our supply of usable water. Underground fresh water reserves that took hundreds of years to fill are being consumed in mere decades. I see what's happening, though. We must use the water before it ambushes us. We must unite as one race to fight the evil powers of rain, sleet and snow.

Another great thing about our water situation is that in no way, shape or form is it being distributed equally. In fact, we are so privileged here in the U.S. that people are able to flush the toilet a few extra times because they don't like to look at pee while they pee. While this drastic situation of pee in the toilet occurs, someone in a Third World country is thinking, "Hmm. I wonder if I get to drink water today?" But we don't want anyone to know about those types of people, do we, so let's just keep that a secret between you and me. And the next time you flush the toilet you don't have to think, "That's someone else's breakfast."

I wonder what happens to the water after we use it? I think it just disappears, at least that's what someone told me. It's so cool that people don't have to witness the repercussions of their actions and complete misuse of resources.

Wait. If water just disappears like magic then that means garbage just spontaneously dissolves too, doesn't it?

I do know that it totally sucks to live by a dumpster, especially when the garbage truck comes at 7 a.m. and disturbs your beauty rest. Just be happy you don't live next to a landfill, where your water tastes like toe and has a negative nutritional value because you are ingesting carcinogens that seeped from the landfill, into the ground, into the water and into your body. But this whole landfill thing is a secret too, so shhh.

Didn't someone say ignorance is bliss? Here are some fun facts from our friends at the Alameda County Waste Management Authority (http://www.stopwaste.org).

Along with producing great political leaders such as Ted Kennedy, Marion Barry and Richard Nixon, our great country has also produced great garbage - 250 million tons of trash last year. The residents of Alameda County produced over 1.7 million tons of refuse in 1999, and the residents of Berkeley contributed 130,000 tons of rubbish to these glorious numbers.

Let's just imagine that the average Berkeley resident throws away 2 lbs. of trash a day. This translates into a healthy portion of more than 700 lbs. of trash a year. So come on, everyone, don't be humble; be excited about your contribution to the community.

As human spokesperson, I do not deny my contributions to the collective stupidity of our race. Instead, I celebrate my ability and my individual power to wreck our home. I implore you to go forth and share your stupidity and assert human dominance.

Are you part of the problem or part of the solution? The world we are born into has made so much "progress" that environmental awareness has been buried (pun intended). Granted, being environmentally conscious is more difficult, more expensive and more time-consuming than following the status quo. However, it is our planet, so it is our responsibility. Do what you can.

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