Men Are Pigs

Bitch about men at [email protected] Go ahead, you know you want to.

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How can I make a statement that brash, you say? Simple - I know some men. And they are, inherently, pigs. Not necessarily in a bad way, more in an unavoidable, piteous way. The inspiration for this column, curiously enough, came to me in the dead of night. I was lying in bed (no, this is not going where you think it is), and just before I fell asleep, I heard a couple of guys walking down my street, talking. Their conversation was only murmurs until they were right below my open window, when I suddenly heard them quite clearly. I only heard one sentence, but I didn't really want to hear any more, anyway. One of the guys said to the other, "What I don't understand is how a girl can eat a one-pound box of candy and gain 10 pounds." Now, to be fair, there was a legitimate amount of confusion in his voice. The poor guy's mind was boggled.

My first response was to laugh out loud, which I did. Much to my sleeping roommate's annoyance. But then I reflected on what I had just heard. How misogynistic! How insulting! How typically male! And then I started thinking over all the crude, gross, offensive things I've heard come out of boys' mouths over the years, and I realized the list was pretty long. Really long. Damn long.

My male friends are, for the most part, pretty blunt about their outlooks on things, particularly on women. They tell me that all guys think the same way, but they just say what's on their mind instead of repressing it. I must say they have colorful ways of "not repressing" themselves. One of my personal favorites on the list of male bits of wisdom is the old adage, "Mopeds and fat chicks are both fun to ride until your friends catch you on one." What the hell is that, mopeds and fat chicks? Another time, a friend compared a boob job to a set of chrome bumpers. I think you see what I'm dealing with here.

But nothing that any of my sensitive, new millennium boys have said has ever been as bad as the guidelines that my friend Jesse wrote up for his brother. Evidently, his brother suffers from "nice guy" syndrome. You know the story - nice guys get walked all over and abused by women, who continue to insist they're looking for nice guys but always go for assholes. Anyway, Jesse (who seems to have cornered the market on women, according to him) made up a list of things his brother needs to do to keep the ladies on their toes, always wanting more, and so on. And it goes a little something like this.

1. Never tell a girl the truth about your feelings until she's told you twice as much about herself. Simply put, if you hear yourself saying things that haven't come out of her mouth, eject, Maverick, eject!!!

2. Don't be such a nice guy! Women say that's what they want, but they really don't. Women will always forgive you for being a dog (trust me on this one) but being too nice will make them uncomfortable.

3. Save the full-court press until you're down by three in the final seconds of the fourth quarter. You know what I mean on this one. Flowers, candy, shit like that is for when you're apologizing. I know this may sting a little, but you're scaring these girls off, bro.

4. Just because you've got a little game doesn't mean you're a player. You can still be a nice guy, but tone it way down. Save something for later, or in my case, for when you're in trouble. Women don't want someone they know will always be their lap dog. They want the pitbull that's gonna protect them. Just show enough interest to keep them on the line, no matter what they say. (They're all just confused little girls anyway, and you're their daddy.)

5. Women are all the same. There are no exceptions to these rules (see #4).

6. Stay away from those women with all that baggage. Stop waiting around for them to break up with their "heartless" or "insensitive" boyfriends. That's the biggest crock of shit I've ever heard, dude. The fact of the matter is, they'll always go running back to these assholes unless you give them some new drama to keep them guessing. Women love drama. They can't live without it. Do guys watch soap operas? I didn't think so. Chicks do, so give 'em what they really want, not what they think they want, capiche?

Personally, I have a guideline to give Jesse's brother - as long as men need sex all the time, which is their entire lifelong goal, they will never truly be in control of a relationship. And that's not our problem, it's theirs. It's kind of sad, really, that boys think they can be so strong and dominant in relationships when it's so obvious that women are ultimately in control. When will they learn? But of course, if they ever really learned, we would probably lose our advantage. By the way, boys, flowers usually do the opposite of scaring a girl off. And even though most men are pigs, I think I want to meet Jesse's brother.


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