Using Bush's Policies in the ASUC Presidency

Andrew F. Adams is a regular contributor. Respond at [email protected]

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I am Andrew Adams, and I approved this message ...

I would like take some time here and announce that I am running for President of the ASUC. "Why," you ask? Well, good question ... to restore dignity and compassion to the 2nd floor office in Eshleman. Here is my platform:

First off, I am going to lower parent contributions on a sliding scale, so the more your parents make, the less they will pay in tuition. Basically, your tuition will be cut $5 if your household income is under $26,000, and we will pay you money to come here if you cross the $200,000 threshold.

We will invade UC Santa Cruz. Now, I know a lot of you out there think it is just to gain control of their vast amounts of pot, but really it is because their chancellor is an evil maniac and must be stopped at all costs. After all, this is the guy who didn't let my dad into law school there. Once we do take over the place, we may or may not exploit their vast resources, but I will leave that up to my vice president and her drug consortium.

I will open Strawberry Creek to increased usage, including but not limited to, use as a sewer. Too long have we wasted money on our waste. I want to make old Strawberry work for us, not the other way around. In addition, the College of Natural Resources will be leased to Texaco to exploit oil deposits that lay underneath it, and Memorial Glade will be a cow pasture for Wendy's.

My first act as president will be to pass the Getting Electronics Secure To Adapt to Present Obstacles act passed so I can read your e-mails and find out what library books you are checking out. Some may say this is a bit invasive, but really people, we need to get to the bottom of who keeps putting detergent in our fountains.

The football team will be outsourced by the Academic Vice President for simplicity's sake.

Under my No Retarded Students bill, all students will take a day-long standardized test once a week so that I can keep track of our progress. Any classes with high rates of failure will be cancelled and the GSIs shot.

Hell, why not me? I love kegs and parties as much as the next president. I have a couple of knocks on my legal record and I would definitely ditch the ROTC.

See?? I am just like you.

If you have any questions, I will be on vacation in my backyard, so please direct all political criticism to a hole in the ground.


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