You spin me right round

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There's nothing like an erection to make a song really pop.

To begin this article, I invoke the great muse Barry White. Barry, wherever you are out there, I hope your soul is at peace and your genitals warm and happy in the company of others. There's something to be said about Barry's particular style of making music - after all, how many other artists can you play in an office who will instantly give everyone a shifty, uncomfortable erection?

Looking back at the great sex songs of the day, one classic is Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On." The fantastic thing about this song is that it gives you the chance to go from knowing someone as a mere stranger to becoming passionate lovers within five minutes or less. It's just that sexy, much like Otis Redding's "Try A Little Tenderness," otherwise known as a love making anthem around the world.

The Bee Gee's "How Deep Is Your Love" comes to mind as well in this category. If you're unfamiliar with this song, ask your parents. Chances are, you were probably conceived to it.

Horrific images of your parents aside, I'm a firm believer in the idea that the kind of music you listen to is a reflection of your personality. For example, being a crazy bitch myself, I'm drawn to AC/DC. I've spent so many nights rubbing one out to "You Shook Me All Night Long" that if I so much as hear the opening guitar chorus, I feel the urge to violently seize the object nearest to me and begin humping it with enthusiasm.

I understand, of course, that not everyone is as sexually conditioned as I am. And for those unfamiliar to the landscape of sex and music, I've found a couple of things to be true in my experiences that I'd be more than happy to share with you.

For instance, never - and for the love of God, Gene Simmons or whoever else you worship by night - play the Cure during sex. It will permanently and irrevocably alter your style of lovemaking, chiefly by ensuring that your genitals wither away in a pang of sorrowful agony. The same applies to the album Animals by Pink Floyd - if you play it, they will not come.

Be sure to avoid certain genres as well. I sincerely hope that I don't have to explain why it is NOT sexy to fuck to death metal, speed metal or really just any kind of metal. Even metalheads don't fuck to metal. There are rules, and they must be obeyed. Country is relevant here as well; only in my very worst, Dante-inspired nightmare could I imagine a significant other putting on a nice country song and expecting me to do anything besides fight the urge to commit suicide.

As far as having "sexy" sex goes, there are a few bands that carry a "get laid" guarantee. Led Zeppelin, the Beatles, Pixies - these are your sexual appetizers, main course and dessert. Put on Zeppelin's "Black Dog." Open a beer and watch as your partner magically begins undressing himself or herself. Next, play the Beatles' "Yer Blues" and get to it - your body will know what to do. Finally, continue to destroy all of the furniture in the vicinity as Pixies' "Hey" leads you to victory.

The relation between music and making love is not coincidental. Music and sex are of the same family of human needs; indeed, loving songs and lovers are manifestations of the same act. Both phenomena affect you as only something new and exciting can, yet speak to the core of your being, untouched until that moment of tingling concord. This is why connecting to a song is so much like falling in love.

Our music - and the music we listen to is very definitely "ours," isn't it? - is something we fall for madly and deeply and without even knowing it until it's too late. Imagine a song that moves you: You infuse such meaning into it - or rather, the song itself demands that you infuse this meaning into its chords. Without you, such rhythms and words would only be static and noise. The music and the listener thus lend themselves to one another, and this is how a song becomes yours, mine ... or ours.

And so to music's connection with love. Just like with music, the addicting appeal of infatuation is in the way the self and the object of love become unified. That special guy or girl evokes something in you, awakening a feeling we all have the capacity for and pulling it out into the warm sun. A connection is made, one that is at once abrasive and conducive. We change them, and they change us, and in the process, two lovers become a single love. Music and love go together so well because they both tap into the wellspring of our common humanity.

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Turn - and get - it up with Janelle at [email protected]



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