The Whine Cellar: High Time to Torch Bowls

Dan is flying back east to picket the NCAA offices. Suggest slogans at [email protected].





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I love college football. I really do. Start with the emotion that pulsed through our sleepy little village when the Axe came home. The posts coming down. The gritty underdog school (Cal, Oklahoma State, Texas Tech) beating down the snobby relatives. That is why college football is one of my favorite sports.

However, come December, this purest of sports becomes the biggest joke imaginable. No playoff system? Well, for some reason, we have to preserve the bowls. Ah, the bowls. Could anything in the world be more ridiculous?

I have three alliances in college football. Virginia, my alma mater. Iowa, where my girlfriend grew up. And of course, the Bears, who will find me a job in the law market.

We'll take each of their prison-guard anal-rape-with-a-nightsticks in stride.

First, a few other thoughts.

Perhaps the best measure of just how far Jeff Tedford has brought the program: Cal had six players on the first and second all-conference teams, up from a whopping zero a year ago.

But six guys, and still this? Where's Jonny Mak?

And further proof that voters don't actually, ya know, watch the games: Jemeel Powell made the team, and Nnamdi Asomugha did not. Ask Cal fans who you wanted in single coverage.

Hopefully the coverage will be on Fox Sports Net: Spurred by the return of Mia Jerkov, Cal returns to the NCAA volleyball tournament for the first time in 13 years.

If you don't get it, maybe that's good: I always chuckle when I hear the Cal women's point guard referenced as "K.I."

A reference I just can't shake: Is A.J. Diggs just Doug Gottlieb without the curls?

Sure, 4-1, beat Florida, No. 22 ranking, yeah, yeah, yeah: Mark my words-Stanford is still terrible.

Swimming Jive: "Yeah, Natalie, those are pretty cool world records you just set. For the SHORT course."

Billy Does It Again: Keith Foulke is better than Billy Koch, in case anyone is wondering.

And Finally, Since It Won't Last, Let's Relish It: The Warriors ahead of the Lakers in the Pacific Division standings.

Back to the bowl screw jobs.

The easiest one is Cal. Let's punish Kyle Boller and Tully Banta-Cain and Jeff Tedford because a couple marginal "student-athletes" who didn't belong here in the first place cheated.

Alabama and Kentucky aren't in bowls because they bought players. Cal should be in a bowl. End of story.

Iowa, with its 11-1 record and No. 3 ranking, was in serious danger of getting passed over for a bid in any BCS bowl because of the flaming pimple of Satan's ass that is Notre Dame. The 10-2 Irish, if you remember, lost by five touchdowns to US(phantom Kareem Kelly TD lets us beat mighty Cal)C last week.

The powers tht be came to their senses and announed th Hawkeyes were in yesterday.

Still, nothing is quite as fucked-up as what may happen to Virginia, whose rise from eighth to second in the ACC was a heartwarming tale.

And as we Cavalier fans pondered our tickets to Jacksonville (home of the Gator Bowl, where there is a tie-in with "ACC No. 2"), we had no idea how stupid the bowl system could be. But then we remembered.

The ACC doesn't care who goes to its bowls, so long as the big-stadium teams (Florida State, Clemson, NC State) are happy.

So fourth-place NC State, who lost to Maryland and Virginia, goes to the Gator Bowl. Maryland, who finished third, is selected for the Peach Bowl.

But wait! The Tangerine Bowl, home of ACC No. 4, successfully lobbied the conference to allow it to take 4-4 Clemson and its traveling bunch of rednecks. Never mind the Tigers lost to every single team in the last paragraph.

So now Virginia has to hope that the Continental Tire Bowl gives its ACC No. 5 slot to the Cavs over 4-4 Georgia Tech, or Wahoo fans can pack their bags for Seattle.

But wait again! The Seattle Bowl may not be played this year because of financial problems. So the spineless turds who run the ACC may have managed to get its second-place team no postseason play at all.

Way to ruin college football, assholes.

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