Crushed By Obama


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From the mailbag I wish I had...

Dear Joshie:

I've got a crush on Obama. No, seriously, it's not like everyone else's crush, or that instant-You-Tube-celeb Obama Girl's crush, mine is real. What can I do to impress upon Obama how much I really do love him? I've sent him money any time he needs it (and he needs it often, according to his e-mails). I buy every piece of Obamabilia that MoveOn wants me to, from posters to painted coins. I find myself agreeing with every word he says and found myself muttering some "Amens" at his speech before Congress on Tuesday.

I'm worried he doesn't share my feelings. What should I do?

- Crushed in Fresno

Dear Crushed:

It is hard when a candidate, especially a president, doesn't return your feelings, but you may have to ask yourself some hard questions here. Does he say thank you in something other than an e-mail when you send a donation? Does he send gifts on Valentine's Day? Has he given you the healthcare insurance you've needed for the last five years since you had to take part-time work? If the answer is no to any of these questions, consider getting out there and dating other candidates. You don't have to change parties, but putting yourself out there might heal some wounds.

Dear Joshie:

How can you continue to support the Great Pretender in the White House and his pork-laden stimulus bill? It's nothing but a liberal wish-list straight from the Speaker's gavel of a San Francisco grandma. Republicans have a great strategy on this: Bet on the space on the table labeled "Crappy Economy in 2010." That's when voters ask why nothing's happened to improve their lives. Then a good number of Democrats will get tossed out of the House in the midterm election. It happened in 1994, it can happen again (Newt lives!). I can't wait until you and all the other Berkeley knee-jerk liberals have to swallow their current smugness and choke on it.

Pissed Off GOPer

Dear Pissed Off:

It's OK. I'm here to listen and give you a hug (see my Feb. 9 column). I'll listen to all that pent-up bile from last year when you had to watch Grandpa Simpson wobble his way though an awful campaign and then get taken to the cleaners in November. And after I'm done listening, I will sit you on my knee and tell you a story. It's a story about a little party that didn't notice the world had changed around it. And that party kept thinking that the same old ideas, no matter how tired - tax breaks for the rich, small government at the cost of social services, etc. - would carry it on a moonbeam back to Majority-land. Instead, it followed that road of old ideas straight to permanent oblivion.

Dear Joshie:

Why do you have to be so serious all the time? I mean, do you think all of us actually watch MSNBC obsessively? Most of us are just trying to get our problem sets done, and since I got super-drunk at an Election Day party and yakked all over my friend's Shepard Fairey "Hope" poster, I haven't thought about politics at all. I don't know why I'm even writing you this.

Just Trying to Make It to Graduation

Dear Just Trying:

You have a point. My readership might consist of a few people sipping coffee at the FSM who think NPR is the mainstream voice of the people. Everybody else is waiting to be titillated by Sex on Tuesday. But I do think we live in troubling times, so we can't ignore what's going on around us. When one of the two family pools in your backyard ends up dry, you'll want to know who to blame for this affront to your lifestyle. Or you may run out of allowance money from home midweek, because Dad is having trouble paying his mortgage. And then how will you buy beer?

Dear Joshie:

There are a lot of sophisticated free-thinking Republicans and libertarians on this campus who disagree with you. Why don't you give them a shout-out once in a while?

Lonely Republican in Berkeley

Dear Lonely:

I'm all about dissent. Many conservatives have gone to the Idea Jar and found it empty. When they have an idea that strays from their usual menu of massive tax cuts for businesses and spending cuts for education, I'll listen carefully.


Give Josh your tired, your poor, your huddled ideas at [email protected] org.

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