Sex on Tuesday: Who Do You Screw?The Research Assistant-Submit your resume and references to [email protected]
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
So I was at my Sex's place," my friend began. Your what? "My Sex. I don't know what to call him. The guy I'm having sex with."
Apparently neither of them had popped the question yet. You know, the one that goes, "What, like, are we?" Somewhere along the course of your slumber parties you may run into an assortment of bed-sharers of varying significance to the nongenital aspects of your life.
With a little help from my linguistics professor (that's a lie) I've sorted out a guide so that you can assign a title to your Sex. Which best describes your last or current lover or companion?
The One-Night Stand-Well, that's easy; it's the one you went home with because your nether nerves told you to. Then you skipped foreplay, had mediocre sex, exchanged numbers to be polite, but blanked on his name and thus saved the number under "Blue Beanie." No worries, you'll never speak again.
The Rebound-The one you were shamelessly flirting with, laughing way too loudly with while surveying the crowd to make sure it gets back to your recent Ex-Sex just how over her you are. The sex is better than any ordinary one-night stand because you'd forgotten how great it feels to be more concerned about your own pleasure than that of whoever's between your thighs.
The Booty Call-You are drunk. You are horny. You scroll your cell until you reach anyone you've hooked up with before, because at this point you haven't the game nor articulation skills to pick up a new screw. Prepare for rejection if you catch him at the library or, even worse, with the new skank he's "seeing."
The Hook-Up-Perhaps you started out in any of the above respectable agreements, and while you don't want to go out of your way to spend daylight hours together, you enjoy continuing to get to know each other in a biblical sense. More mutual than the booty call.
The Fuck Buddy-You have great chemistry but a relationship would never work. You flirt when you see each other and fuck when you're single, but make sure to never break the rules: don't get jealous, possessive or fall in love. That should be in about three months.
Friends With Benefits-Like the FB, this is a great way to have uncomplicated consistent sex. It's gonna be better quality than your random hook-up, and you can apply the "reduce, reuse, recycle" motto so that your "number" doesn't skyrocket between relationships. Unlike the FB, you can name their favorite breakfast cereal and it wouldn't be awkward to hang out on a platonic level. You are friends, right?
The Luvah-You date sporadically and can spend the weekend in bed, and then not see each other for weeks. You still don't know her last name and can't quite place the accent. Details, details.
The Fling-Distinguishable from the Hook-Up in that you can't be in a relationship because of extenuating circumstances. You met on vacation and spent the week together, but you'll never see each other again. She lives in Azerbaijan. You are permitted to idolize your Fling since you didn't have time to discover he chews with his mouth open.
The Exclusive-Hello, boundaries! You suffer temporary amnesia and forget all the strings you're about to attach when you cross the line to a relationship.
The New Love-Your investment pays off and you reap the benefits of an honest, meaningful connection. You get to do all those cheesy couple things like go to jazz or have a picnic. And tons of sex. Tons.
The Long-Term Relationship-Begin to draft Declaration of Co-dependence. By now you know all about his boss's culinary preferences. Tell-tale sign you're in one: every phone conversation ends with "I love you." You're no longer required to change out of your pajamas, but please, keep up the oral hygiene.
Each Other's Better Halves-I'm not even gonna waste my time defining you fools, I'm sure you've over-analyzed the mutual significance enough already.
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