A Top to Bottom Guide to Flirting
Thursday, November 20, 2003
Category: Arts & Entertainment
Have you ever felt inept at the art of flirting? Do you feel like you don't get enough attention from the opposite sex? Then "Superflirt" by Tracey Cox is for you. This semi-pornographic book gives tips on flirting techniques for the socially awkward of both sexes.
Cox opens this masterpiece with the profound declaration: "I'm a shameless flirt...I'd flirt with a lamppost if no one else stood still for long enough." The aptly named author outlines her insight on everything from making eye contact to the correct etiquette for the morning after. Remember when your mother said that it's what's on the inside that counts? Cox boldly sweeps this dictum to the wind with such wise gems as, "What's underneath is important, but you've got to look OK for a date to want to stick around and see what else you've got to offer."
We decided to put Cox's methods to the test at the cafes of Berkeley, and after some hard work and a frightening number of cappuccinos, we have emerged with a newfound wisdom on the topic of flirting.
Cox maxim #1: The Entrance
"Pause in the doorway with your head held high and shoulders back...Lazily scan the room, giving the impression that you're looking from someone...The idea is to let all potential dates/new friends/playmates get a good look at you looking your best. (Let's face it, we all sag as the night goes on!)"
Though we know that the entrance is key, standing in the middle of a room for a prolonged period of time made us feel slightly stupid. We felt like we looked more confused than attractively aloof. However, we did get a few stares. So either Cox's strategy worked or we had something stuck in our brightly smiling teeth.
Cox maxim #2: The Butt
"Females of all the other primates send sexual signals via the color and smell of their buttocks, which, since they walk on all fours, are in full view of potential mates. To show your butt off to its best advantage, turn your back to someone you're attracted to, put your hand on one hip, shift your body weight so the hip with your hand on it juts out farthest, then turn your upper torso around and make eye contact."
As a variation on the "bend and snap" made infamous by "Legally Blonde," this technique took some practice. But once mastered, the results were impressive. Asya's mastery won her a large apple cider and a come-on line from the cashier at our first stop.
Cox maxim #3: The Preening Gesture
"We preen when we want to look our best and attract someone's attention...Women...adjust clothing, but more commonly play with and smooth their hair."
The girl's hair toss is a classic flirting tactic, but Cox's repeated emphasis on the gesture made us decide to try and take hair flipping to the next level. While trying to push the limits of the hair toss, Liz found, however, that there is always the danger of overly aggressive flipping. Apparently, most men don't appreciate being whipped in the face by a girl's hair.
Cox maxim #4: The Banana Prop
"Sex-obsessed creatures that we are, anything that reminds us of sex usually gets us going. A female with full, glossy, red lips is a turn-on because her lips mimic what (he fantasizes) is happening elsewhere: the vagina also "plumps," moistens, and darkens in color when aroused. Phallic-shaped foods like zucchini and bananas...subconsciously influence desire."
After smearing on oh-so-seductive Bonne Bell, we settled into our chairs with bananas in hand, ready to test out one of the oldest tricks in the book. The result? Affirmative. Asya may have gone just a tad too far, attracting the shameless attention of one 23-ish guy. Avoiding him, we quickly made for the exit.
Cox maxim #5: The Sexy Vibe
"Think about the person you most lust after. Imagine them sprawled, waiting for you on the bed. Naked. Begging for it. You've got one hour with them and no one's ever, ever going to find out what you did...If you feel like sex, your facial expression alters, you hold your body differently...Instant sex appeal, on tap!"
Liz tried this one out, but she's still very suspicious of its success. She couldn't really take herself seriously when trying to imagine the scenario and ended up just giggling at random moments. We aren't sure, but Liz felt like this made her look more bizarre than hot. This was confirmed when several of Liz's friends asked her if she was laughing because they looked funny or if she was just feeling slightly cracked-out that day.
Cox Maxim #6: The Sketchy One
"Your body has produced its own unique designer scent. It's free and readily accessible. Simply lean forward, insert a finger into your vagina, and dab the secretions wherever you'd normally dab perfume. Female pheromones called capulins are released in our presweat glands and vaginal secretions...do it once and you'll never go back."
Umm...we'll leave this one up to you...
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