Booty Abounds in 'Pirates'

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It was bound to happen. In the wake of "Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl" came a financially successful porn video called "Pirates."

While its title is not nearly as amusing as 2005's "Butt Pirates of the Caribbean," it's definitely one of the most epic porn videos ever made. With a $1 million budget and a sequel-plus 11 Adult Video News Awards to boot-it's the epitome of the anti-Disney franchise.

The surprising thing is, "Pirates" is actually a decent movie. The production values are incredible for a porn video, with great music and excellent cinematography-it's almost on par with a BBC production.

We follow an Orlando Bloom look-alike, played by Kris Slater, who is on a honeymoon with his wife. The filmmakers use low-key lighting to obscure their bodies, while the background sounds of water splashing and wood creaking make it feel like they're on a ship. And then Mr. Bloom-look-alike and his wife fuck.

This is how the rest of the film plays out. There are 10 to 15 minutes of plot, followed by 5 to 10 minutes of pairs of actors having sex. The story is simple and predictable, and the dialogue is often terrible. It doesn't help that the lines are delivered by porn actors. "God, I can't wait to see your body," says Mr. Bloom-look-alike with the worst imitation British accent possible. It's painful to listen to, but if you simply appreciate the pretty sets and costumes, all is good.

Unlike most porn videos, "Pirates" has a number of unforgettable personalities. There's our bloodthirsty villain, Captain Victor Stagnetti, who is trying to get his hands on a magic scepter, which may well be the biggest phallic symbol seen in film.

Most memorable is the pompous pirate hunter Capt. Edward Reynolds, played with tongue firmly in cheek by the well-endowed Evan Stone. He contemplates how his first mate, Jules (Jesse Jane), manages to keep his crew happy: "Each night I can hear the sounds of song and joy coming from her cabin that could only be induced by earnest worship." Predictably, this observation leads straight into a long sex scene.

A porn video can have a huge budget, but what it all boils down to is sex. While watching this film, you grow impressed with the sheer number of money shots. My thought process went like this: Oh, here's the first one, courtesy of Mr. Bloom-look-alike... Mmh, not bad. A 7.5 out of 10, mark it on your scorecard and wait 'til the next one comes.

Sadly, "Pirates" is still hung up on the porn industry's bizarre fascination with woman-on-woman action. All of the women eventually hook up with each other, while the men insist that they are victims of these "whores."

That trope gets tiresome and misogynistic quickly. In one sequence when two women make out on the ground, a dozen approving pirates stand around them growling "Arrrrrgh."

This isn't quite as ridiculous as the final sequence, which culminates in two candles-ends lit-being stuck into a woman's orifices.

I get it; this is porn, but come on, guys-that's just plain tacky.

Tags: SEX ISSUE 2010

Contact Max Siegel at [email protected]

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