Taking It Downtown

Photo: Kristine DeGuzman
Kristine DeGuzman

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For all you SNL lovers, I think it's about time that I introduce (in a Southern accent) "Colonel Angus." Or for all you non-SNL lovers, cunnilingus-the art of "eating out" and "going down" on a woman.

You would think that performing cunnilingus on a girl would be easy. For some reason, a lot of guys think that they can just go down there, swish their tongue around and maybe suck some stuff, and then commend themselves on a job well done. Easy, right? Wrong. Getting a girl off with only your tongue (and maybe a finger or two) is an art form, and I am here to instruct you on how to be an oral artist.

First of all, the vagina may not be so welcoming to oral pleasure if it's not already aroused. Tease your partner a little by working your kisses down her body, starting at her mouth and arriving at her inner thighs. Lick your lips a little so that you're not scratching her inner thighs and naughty bits with chapped lips. You really want to tease and arouse your partner so that her vagina is nicely lubricated and ready for your oral advances.

Now, navigating the female vulva may seem like a daunting task if you are unfamiliar with the area (i.e. if you have a penis). So let's break it down: At the top of the vulva is the clitoris, covered by the clitoral hood. FYI, the clitoris is not a button you can just press to produce orgasms. The female body is a little more delicate than that, so to you clit-pressers: Please stop. It doesn't really feel good, and sometimes it hurts a little. Moreover, some women cannot handle direct pressure to their clitoris (myself included), so be careful before you start poking and prodding at it.

You need to be gentle with the clitoris and lick it with a soft and rounded tongue. Technique wise, you can flick it a little in between lightly sucking it. I've also heard of people drawing alphabet letters on the clitoris with their tongue. I've never personally experienced this, so I can't vouch for its effectiveness in the sack, but hey, if it makes things interesting, I say go for it.

Below the clitoris, there's the outer and inner labia-the lips you should be kissing in between all the licking and sucking goodness. You see, cunnilingus isn't all about the clit. It's about the whole vaginal package. As a book published by sex toy company Babeland suggests, you should lick her like an ice cream cone-flatten your tongue and move slowly from the bottom of her vulva area to the top, focusing in particular around her clitoris. Like blowjobs-the wetter, the better.

Another thing to keep in mind when giving cunnilingus: Keep it hot. Literally. The combination of warm breath and a wet tongue feels amazing around one's lady-bits. Trust me; I would know.

You can also try inserting a finger or two into her vagina while you're licking and sucking away. Some women even enjoy throwing a G-spot vibrator into the mix. That said, your partner's preferences in terms of speed, pressure and techniques (including the usage of sex toys) are really up to you to discover and discuss with your partner.

Finally, if you really want to spice things up, you can try facesitting-a sex act that is performed exactly as it sounds: by sitting on your partner's face. This isn't for everyone, but for some people (usually couples who enact dominate/submissive roles in bed), sitting on your partner's face to receive cunnilingus can be strangely erotic and satisfying.

Now personally, I love cunnilingus. Yup, I'm a big fan of it. However, there are some girls who may be too insecure about the smell or taste of their vaginas to allow themselves to be eaten out. To these girls I would say: Hey, relax a little. Vaginas have a certain musky scent and a certain salty taste; it's just in their nature. No need to deprive your vagina of some oral lovin' just because you're afraid that it'll embarrass you in front of your partner. Not to mention, your partner probably cares less about your scent and taste, and more about getting you off. So like I said, relax a little!

Of course, if the smell and taste remain an issue, you can always take a shower immediately before the oral foreplay. Or even perform the foreplay while in the shower. Whichever you and your partner prefer.

That being said, I hope I've prepared you enough for your next oral exam (cheesy, but clever, right?).


Describe your experience with Colonel Angus to Kristine at [email protected]

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