Sex on Tuesday
Talk the Talk (in Bed)


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Talk the Talk (in Bed)

Hear Kristine talk dirty to you.

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Imagine: one night you and someone are getting it on, and you are really putting your all into it. You're breathing heavily, you're thrusting your hips just so, you are shrieking with ecstasy and your partner is not. No grunts, no moans, not even a drawn out "Ooohhh yeah" at least every now and then. What a buzz kill, right?

When having sex, there is nothing more discouraging than a partner who remains absolutely silent while doing the deed. Who wants to feel like they're screwing a speechless mass of flesh? Personally, I would expect my partner to at least grunt my name every now and then, which brings me to my next point: My name is Kristine deGuzman, and I am happy to say that I will be filling your minds with dirty thoughts every Tuesday for the rest of the semester.

Now, I know that talking dirty isn't exactly a comfortable task. It's definitely not something you can just sit in front of a mirror and practice. Most people are too afraid they'll sound stupid, and rightfully so. Taken out of context, talking dirty does sound really stupid. Even in written form dirty talk sounds cliche and ridiculous, but for the sake of this column, I'll try to relay a few helpful examples.

First of all, talking dirty doesn't have to mean saying "dirty" things. You don't have to toss around every naughty four-letter word you know to successfully talk dirty. More importantly, you don't have to say anything that seems unnatural to you. If you want to keep it simple, you can merely sigh "Yes" over and over again. You can be instructive and say things like, "Kiss me [here]," "Touch me [here]," "Take off your clothes," "Bend over," etc. You can try and create a "sexy" dialogue and say something along the lines of "Do you like that," "Does that feel good" or even, "Tell me how to make you feel good." Or you can even get spiritual with it and moan "Oh God." Maybe throw around a few "Oh baby's" here and there.

But perhaps you do want to enact the "dirty" part of talking dirty. Perhaps while in the moment you'll feel an inclination to reference your partner's sexy parts. In this case, you're probably not going to want to say "Oh yeah, I love your penis/vagina." Generally speaking, biological terms are not the sexiest words you want whispered into your ear, and this is why dirty slang words were invented. I mean, which would you rather hear? "Oh baby, I want to ejaculate all over your breasts" or "Oh baby, I want to cum on your tits?" Not to mention, the best times to use the words "cock," "dick," "cunt" and "pussy" are during sex. You can even throw around a few adjectives if you want to be really effective. I'd rather not get too in-depth with this, but a few that come to mind are "hot," "wet," "thick" or "tight." I'll leave it to your imagination to pair those up.

Now, while pornos may be helpful in finding ideas of what to say while in the sack, you might not want to commit everything you hear to memory. Porn stars get paid to have loud, vocal sex, and re-enacting porn sex in the real world may make you feel more ridiculous and contrived than hot and sexy.

Of course not everyone is comfortable with dirty talk, and not everyone is going to want to hear you talk while having sex with you. That doesn't mean you can't grunt and moan, oohh and ahh every time something feels good.

And maybe you're not comfortable with me talking dirty to you. Don't worry, it would have been better if we were having sex.

Say something dirty to Kristine at [email protected]

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